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| 12 years ago today I got up probably around 7:30 to inform Jefferson School in Lyndhurst that Phil will not be attending school that day because he was home with a fever. Patty had went to school already. I was just about to get ready to head to Clara Mass to spend some time with mom. Our phone line was cut because I was late on our phone bill. I was on a frantic looking for my pager, something told me I needed that pager. I finally found it, it was under the drivers seat of my car (my 1983 Dodge Aries). A 973 number paged me more than once. I called back on a nearby pay phone & that was when the doctor gave me the most heartbreaking news of my life. Mom left to the other world. As much as the doctor had warned us this day was coming, we clung onto hope that she would make a miraculous turnaround, because mom's just resilient like that.
The days, months & years after we each lived as positively as possible, but each of us were spiralling out of control in our own ways. As Patty, Phil & I were able to be there for each other & pick up each other's missing pieces we each found our way to rise from that horrible day and live a life we can say mom would be proud of us for (for the most part). As for the stuff she wouldn't have been too proud of us for...she knows we're only human & we have to learn from our mistakes. As for dad, he paid the ultimate price for his mistakes. He was so lost without mom that he made choices that eventually caused him his relationship with his children & eventually his own life. As the oldest, I feel I tried hard to keep this family from breaking apart. Patty's done a great job keeping the 3 of us together. I was more focused on trying to mend things between us and dad. I was never able to accomplish what I wanted to achieve. I wonder if I could've done more or tried hard enough. This will always be the burden I will never be able to lift off my shoulders. Because no matter how everyone can tell me I didn't, I know that will be the biggest failure in my life.
Not a day have passed when I don't wonder how all of our lives would be different if mom was still alive. Dad might still be here too. This family will never be perfect, but we might be more united. As I witness each of our achievements & as I reach each milestone in our lives (marriage, children, being a home owner), I celebrate & think of her and wonder what she would say to us and how she would react to each drama & comedy that we've live through the past decade and more to come.
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| Gosh I can't believe 6 months came so fast!! Felt like it was just the other day I found out I was pregnant. So far I've been feeling great, never had morning sickness during the first trimester & I've been sleeping, walking (traveling) & eating quite well so far. I get my occassional leg cramps in the middle of the night & have been waking up for the bathroom EVERY night since the beginning, but compared to other women I've seen, I really shouldn't be complaining. The only discomfort I ever get during the day is when she decides to do her daily work out. haha. At least she's not lazy right?
Mentally it's been a little bit of a roller coaster truthfully. Everyone between Hector, my family, his family, my peers & friends have been all beautiful to me. They are always watching out for my best interest & giving me wonderful advice, constantly watching out & caring for me. I am very blessed & fortunate. Once I'm alone or have a moment to myself though, I can't stop wondering how different or how much more happier this whole experience would be if mom was around. She would be overly ecstatic for one, she would joke around about how young she still looks even when she's upgraded to the grandma status.
Losing mom have been really hard, time doesn't make anything better. However as I reach certain milestones in life, like when I got engaged, got married and now when I'm having my own kids it makes each chapter harder to walk into & harder to accept that she is not here. I can't help wondering & thinking & wishing things would've been different, if her life would've been extended for an additional 30-40 years. I'm not knocking my in-laws, they are great people, great parents & great grandparents, but my siblings & cousins can vouche that my mom is the coolest & most modern mom any child can be raised with. I don't doubt for a second that her grandkids would feel the same exact way. It really just gets me sad thinking about it. In all God's honest truth, not having mom around through all of this hurts so much, that I would exchange feeling sick during the pregnancy for my mom to be here with me throughout this whole journey & the next few to come. These are moments when a daughter (& son) needs their mother the most...to lean on, to share joy with, share experiences with & to feel blessed with.
As for my father...I give up with him. As each chapter of my life turns and I wish for mom to be here more, the more resentful I feel towards him. If he had been more loving & caring & less greedy & less selfish mom might still be here. All those years he tortured her into her grave without ever considering we need our mother, not ever realizing every action he took or lacked to take would effect everyone around them. I can't forgive him...I really can't...he robbed me & my siblings of a mother, he robbed us of our opportunity to care for her now that we are able to & gave us a feeling of some sort of emptiness everytime we reach a milestone in our lives. It's not right & not forgiveable. Really isn't...
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| Yay!! The mega busy weekends are finally over!! Ended on a wonderful note. Both Hipii & Angela / Yong & Thuy's weddings were both beautiful and wonderful. Puerto Rico was nice. All the events in May were great too. As busy as it's been, I'm glad this all happened. I got to be with friends I don't get to see often enough, getting to spend more time with friends and family makes the busy schedule worth it. | | |
| As a young girl I've always dreamed of being married and being this doting housewife...chores, cook, kids, devoting life to the family. That was until I realize being a women is more than just being a robotic housewife. I would never regret my marriage to Hector nor regret getting married. I'm grateful for our companionship & our love. However, if I were to do it again, I might never chose to get married. I really enjoyed the picking up and going whenever I feel, working whatever hours I want and watching whatever I feel. Now, you always have to make a decision and then take a step back & wonder if it's a considerate decision to your partner, eventhough you FULL heartedly want to follow your heart. Once your married, your heart's decision is split. Your time for family is also split. Your time for a social life is minimized and split. Sometimes, even your decision on what to order for dinner is split. Hm... I want to order seafood...wait, maybe I shouldn't because my husband's allergic to seafood and we share our main courses. THIS is just marriage...I'm sure it gets 1000 times worst once the kids come along. I love my marriage & like being married. I love Hector. BUT....I miss being independent. Hector thinks it's all about the CAR it's not.... I didn't have a car for a good part of my single life and I did really well with mass transit. | | |
| Sometimes the best time is when you least expect it.
All week I was kind of on the fence about playing volleyball. We actually went last night and I didn't the best I ever did. I mean I still wasn't "good", but it was my personal best haha!
Today was such a gorgeous day!! After work, Hector & I went to Mr. Cupcakes to pick up some sweets to bring to Chris & Julie's BBQ. I loved it!! We spent the remainder of the afternoon chilling at Chris & Julie's house and ended the outdoor time playing horse shoes. I'm so tired now....but is definitely glad we were outside enjoying the sun and beautiful weather. Hope we can enjoy it as much tomorrow.
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